Dog Almost Gone?

Here is the dog saga since the last post of Dog Gone.  Mae’s dog ran out of cough syrup about 3 weeks ago.  I called the vet to see about getting a refill and they will not give a refill unless he comes in for a checkup.  I told Mae this…that it was time to take the dog in and  what the vet said.  She refused.  She said she did not want to take him to the vet anymore.  She was not going to invest any more money in the dog going to the vet.  He would just have to get sicker and sicker because she had determined he was not going to get any better.  Ok…so the coughing has increased over the last few weeks.

He is in congestive heart failure.  He takes 3 medications for that… a diuretic, a bronchial opener and one other that helps his heart.  He ran out of 2 medications about 2 weeks ago.  He only had a few of the diuretic left.  She can’t really drive to the vet due to her vision.  She has not even asked me once to get any refills for those medications. These are medications that the vet has stressed over and over to her that he cannot miss any doses.

On yesterday she calls me to take the dog to the vet for a checkup and to be cremated.  She has made the decision to put him down as she cannot take the sound of his coughing anymore.  I can tell this is going to be drama but at least the dog will be going to the vet.  He needs a checkup after being off medication for about 3 weeks.  Mae does not go…..I get to her house and she is there hugging the dog and talking to him saying, “we do not have fun together anymore,”  “you have to go with PAPA”, “goodby…we had some great times together”.  (Papa is my father who died about a year and a half ago.) She said she had given him a bath that morning and already said good bye to him.  She says that she wants to have a funeral for him in the back yard.  (I wonder who is going to dig the grave because it is not going to be me.)  Am I to bring his body back in my car for her to bury in the yard????

Then she says no….she can’t see herself digging a hole in the backyard so she will pay for cremation instead.  She tells me she does not want him anymore she cannot take his coughing.  She  cannot take anymore of his sickness and is getting rid of anything sick.   I tell her  the dog has a chronic condition and I reiterate all the vet has ever told her and me about the dogs’  condition….that his heart condition is manageable by his medication but he must be given the medication…that his cough is something that comes with his breed of dog. It can be managed by giving him th ecough syrup.

She then takes this that I am insisting that she keep the dog regardless that his cough is getting on her nerves.  Then finally she gives me a check and yells at me to have him cremated.  I tell her that vets do not just kill dogs or cats just because their owners come in and say …”kill my dog today because I am tired of him.”  That is not what they do. She insisted that it was and it would be because she decided it.   She said that if the vet will not kill the dog then she will have someone take her to the local animal shelter and just drop him off because she knows they will put him to sleep because they do not place sick animals. She writes out a check and tells me to have him cremeated.   I take her check and the dog and go to the vet for the checkup.  Why is she not going?  She is going out with friends to lunch so she cannot go to the vet.

15 minutes later I am at the vet.  What is the condition of the dog now?  He is still happy and active and dancing and prancing all over the house.  The vet comes in and asks me about the situation.  My mother had apparently called them about having him cremated earlier in the week.  I tell her that basically she has decided that she cannot take the sound of his cough anymore and that she wants her to put the dog to sleep.  The vet examines the dog.  I tell her that he had not had medication in about 3 weeks because mom  is not giving it to him.  And that I think it is on purpose…so that he can get really sick.  I tell the vet that when I left the house she was not expecting him to come back..that she wanted the dog put down.  That Mae was hugging him for the last time and saying good bye to him.  I also told her what she said about the drop off at the local shelter.

Well..the vet decided that she could not put him down.  His condition had not really changed much since he was last seen.  She said his chest sounded a little more gurgly and that was because he was not getting his heart meds.  She said the dog was happy and active and putting him down was not the solution.   She said that there were 3 options:

• to take dog back home with meds and convince Mae to medicate the dog properly
• for me to take the dog as the expectation was he would not be coming back home
• to call a dog rescue shelter who places small dogs who are sick or are elderly owner surrenders.  she gave me the number to the shelter
• if she refuses to give the dog to the rescue shelter AND she refuses to give him his medication, to put the dog down simply to get the dog away fro her as a bad owner…it would be cruel for him to suffer from lack of medication and vet visits.

I get all the meds refilled and take the dog back to Mae’s house.  She is still out having lunch.  I put the dog in the yard and put his medication in the kitchen.  I again have bought the cough syrup as she refuses to buy it.  I get in my car to go.  All of a sudden the dog shimmies his little body through the fence and runs toward my car now backing out of the drive.  Animals know who are kind people and who are bad.  I take this as a sign.  I go back in, get the dog and his medication so that I can give it to him and take him to my house.  I can certainly keep him for a few days….maybe keep him period.  But….Mae will never give him to me so that will be short lived.  Maybe a few days will give Mae a break from hearing him cough?  I call the rescue shelter and get a voice mail and leave a message.  I leave Mae a note that the vet did not put down the dog, that he needs to be given his medicaton and that an option if she did not want him was to go to a rescue shelter who will place a dog with his medical condition.

I take the dog to my house and run errands and do other things.  I get a call from Mae yelling and screaming as I expected.  She wants her dog.  I tell her she does not.  I tell all that we discussed with the vet and that I had told the vet all the things she told me to and putting him down was not what the vet could do and that if she did not want the dog, there was a shelter that would take him in and he would live with people who would take care of him and give him his medications as needed.  No need for him to suffer with her.  Well, she decided that I had stolen her dog from her and that she was calling the police.  She said that she needed to be the one to decide that he needed to go to a shelter.  I again reminded her over and over that she told me she did not want the dog anymore and wanted him killed.  She could not take him anymore and was saying her last goodbyes in my presence.

She denied that any of that happened!  She did.  I told her she was crazy.  She began to scream and yell that she wanted her dog back and could I not see how upset she was.  I told her she was not upset about the dog as she did not want the dog.  I told her she was upset that I did not have the dog cremeated or felt that I had not had the dog put down.  I explained that was not up to me…the vet decided he was not to be put down and she was the one who suggested a pet rescue since he needed a new home.  She began to scream to bring her dog back or she would call the police.  I told her to call them.  She then went back to screaming that she hated me.  I told her that was the very heart of the problem.  She has hated me since the time I was born.

Today was the very first day she finally said that to me.  She yelled that she hated me about 6 times.  I asked what else was new.  I have always known that.  She said that she will leave me nothing in her will.  Trust me, I am not expecting anything.  Never have.  That too has been something she has been telling me my entire life.  I kept telling her she did not want the dog so he needed a new home.   She again threatened to call the police.  I have moved and still have a few things in her garage.  She said she will put my things out in the street.  No..not happening.  I told her I would bring the dog and she said she would call the vet on Monday and talk to her about what do to with him….rescue.  She screamed again that she hated me and hung up. I also called some friends with big cars to help me move that rest of my things or most of them out of her house.

I took the dog back, gave her the meds and spent the next 3 hours moving most of the remainder of my things out of her garage.  Now I just have a few things and plants.  She acted like nothing had happened.  She wanted me to go to the store and run an errand for her.  I did only till I can get all of stuff out.  After that…she is on her own.  I feel sorry for the dog.  He has a bad owner.  It is bad that the dysfunction and evil that lives within her spreads to everything.  Even innnocent pets.

Not Just Me!

My sibling and family came to town this past weekend and I had the chance to talk about all the things that have been happening in the past year and a few months we have been with mom.  The story my sibling had been hearing was of course all one sided.  They thought I was the source of the problem.  After speaking to me things were clarified.  The response…they were all glad to be away from her and they know she has problems.

They had been thru it as well when they still lived in this state and I had moved away many years ago.  They were left here with her.  They were glad to be away from her…..well how does that help me? Things are clearer to them as to what really is happening here and it is me that is believed now. Thank god.   Well.  Last night they got in the car and went back to another state 6 hours away.  They are glad to be away from her. 

Me?  Still here with her and the chaos.

Pain Body Drama

A New Earth, the book I am currently reading goes into great detail how a dense pain body feeds on drama.  Now the drama mama is spreading outward.  I have made myself as scarce as possible and she has now found all sorts of other people to claim as the enemy.  She literally has named perfectly innocent people at church her enemy.  Last week she named three.  I will not name their names to protect the innocent.  But they are so unlikely and have very little to do with her, it is just ridiculous.  The people she has named are not even in her circle of people she talks to . 

On yesterday, she named three more…different than the ones before and what did they actually do to her?  Nothing.  She imagines all the things like people are talking about her…..well, they might be…her behavior is bizarre….and that she is ready for them.  On the way home from church she spend the drive calling the new three “old biddies and prunes and she was ready for them.”     How she did “not care a rat’s behind” about any of them and how they spoke to me and not her.  Always I am in everything.  People who speak to me do not speak to her..in her mind.  She went on about how the past minister at her old church slandered her and that they(the new three) are all concerned about what she is doing since my father died.  

This is in keeping with the pain body creating problems within organizations that the person belongs to.  Throughout all my adult and young adult life as far back as I can remember, she has always had problems with people on her job, in book clubs she has been in, in sororities she joined, at church…..every social entity she has been involved in there has always been a bad ending with some sort of drama she has been involved in.  The drama?  Imaginary things.   Things that she has confronted people on and those things have never happened.  It is all imaginary thinking. 

Soon, I believe there will be a blowup/melt down at church on a Sunday.  It is soon in coming.  She had one last summer with the next door neighbors.  She was calling the police because they were literally parking in front of their lawn and she thought that their lawn was hers.  She was claiming it.  I finally had to make her physically go outside with me and look at the property line, walk it and show her that she was wrong.  And to stop.   Calling the neighbors for parking in front of their own house and lawn was ridiculous.

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

I got this book about three weeks ago and began to read.  My what a confirmation it was for me.  A New Earth:  Awakening to Your Life’s Pupose read like a text book of my mother and all her behavior.  It was  uncanny.  I am now on the pain body and it explained it all.  She does operate in the past.  Now I understand why she can sit around all day and think of things all day that are not based in reality and then when I get home she is ready to burst.  And does with all sorts of things not based in reality and entirely made up.  That book is my mother.  Her pain body is in complete control.

I learned alot and am still learning.  It has given me insight as to why all these things are happening.  I know I will have to read it again…just to be sure I did not miss anything.  Her pain body is in complete and total control and she is totally unconscious.

Lies

About 2 weeks ago it was about 11pm and I was working at my computer looking for jobs and reading cnn when my mother came in to begin one of her nightly random fights.  It was a long day.  I had worked all day and was very tired.  Basically when she begins I try not to say anything.  Her new thing is to accuse me of lying.  She calls me a liar all day long in just about every conversation.  I don’t lie. 

Finally that night I called her on it.  I asked her to tell me any one specific lie I had told that day.   Silence.  She continued.  She called me a liar again.  I asked her again to tell me a lie she had caught me in on yesterday, or last week, or last month or any time at all.  Just name one.  Just one. 

Silence. 

She has finally stopped calling me that name.

Silence is Golden

Last night when I got home, Mae was making pancakes.  No chaos for once night.  Just quiet. 

Computer Daze

Mae has a problem each time that I get on my computer in my room.  I have been looking for new jobs and of course everything has to be submitted on line.  Night before last I was submitting resumes to several companies and in my room she came demanding to know why I was on the computer.  We have had this conversation over and over and over.  At least 100 times in the past..literally.   I use the computer for bloggins, looking for job, reading CNN and doing research.  All the normal things anyone would use the computer for.   I told her I was looking for jobs and of course she again went on and on.  I asked her what was it that she did not understand.  The days of going door to door looking for jobs is no more in our age of advanced technology.  Finally after 30 minutes of harrassment she left me alone.  The time? About 1:30 AM in the morning. 

Well last night about 9:30 pm I was in my room watching Miami Vice and in she comes.  Again about the computer and what I am doing looking for jobs and on and on and on.  All sorts of crazy things, like I was trying to take her house and that was why I moved in with her.  I reminded her again that the only reason I moved in was because she requested and demanded it.  My father died in December 2006 and and she was asking for several months that we move in and we finally did in March of 2007.  She literally would say things like your father would want you to move in with her and take care of her.  It is what your father would have wanted.  She claims I was the one who kept asking to move in.  Wrong! 

Then she began the whole thing about having to move out.  I told her I was working on it but with my work hours of Monday-Friday 8:30 -6:00, I will need to request time off to look.  AND that I had done that for next week.  In the very next breath she said that she did not understand why I just did not take a few hours off to look.  Are we on two different planets?  I told her that was just what I said and did she not HEAR that? 

The problem is she has all these preconcieved notions and totally wrong assumptions.  She does not truly listen to anything I actually say.  Then she began to tell me the professions I could have gone into.  Crazy.  I have been to college, graduated with honors, had great, well paying jobs that I have had for long term.  The last job I just left, I had been there for 10 years.  I have been successful in all my jobs.  It was just spiralling into absolute madness.  It is like she things I am in high school just starting out?   Finally I told her that I didnot need any help or advice with my career search or possible change.  She finally said she was DONE.  Yet she continued on.  THen I said that if she was done why was she still talking and standing in the door of my room?  30 minute later she left. 

I do not get it.  If I choose to look for a new job, how else am I to get one unless I look for one?  Why all the chaos when I do look for one.  I almost get the feeling she does not want me to get a new job with better pay because I will be able to move out.  I won’t be there for her to yell at.  She really will have to do something for herself.  Right now I take care of the dog, garbage on garbage day, cooking, getting the newspaper, doing her gardening and driving her to all her doctor appointments and shopping trips to the mall and whatever on the weekends. 

As she was leaving I told her that she was totally crazy…really crazy.  The things she was coming up with were so bizarre and way out in left field.  And…where she was getting it all from, I had no idea.   She literally begins the verbal attack as soon as I walk in the door.  I do nothing but say hello and it begins.  I never seek her out.  She is always there waiting for me in attack mode 24 hours aday. 

One of the most bizarre things she consistenly says and has said throughout the years?  She claims that I do not want her hair to grow.  What the hell do you say to that? 

Dog Gone

Mae has a little dog that she has had for a very long time.  He is a little lap dog, a pomeranian.  Cute and loveable ascan be.  He is old and sick now.   He is in congestive heart failure and has been that way for about a year or so.  He is on medication as well.   Twice a day for his heart problems.   Another ailment that he has is a cough.  The cough is something that his type of breed has.  His windpipe collapses when he gets excited or over exerts himself so all day long he is panting and coughing.  Mae can’t stand the coughing.  She does not want to hear it.  Why?  Because it is a cough with a little gag at the end. 

We have taken the dog to the vet over and over and it has been explained to her that there is little that can be done.  The cough is something his breed just has and he is on cough syrup to try to help.  Twice in the past year Mae has said that she wants to have the dog put to sleep just because she does not want to hear anymore coughing.  The dog is not suffering and is in good health given his condition.  He is happy and perky and jumps around and is fine.  He just has a cough when he gets excited.  Is that a reason to have the dog put to sleep?  In my book,  no!  If the dog were actually suffering that would be a different story.  It would be time to put him down.  I personally do not believe that the vet would agree to put an animal down if he was not ready.  Would they?  Just because the owner did not want the dog anymore? 

The times we have taken the dog to the vet that was the purpose Mae had in mind.  The vet kept looking at me and I could tell that she understood that Mae simply wanted to have the dog killed just because she did not want it anymore.  Today when I woke up again it was the same thing. 

“I have come to a decision.  He has to be suffering.  He does not feel good.  I know it.  I can’t take the coughing.  He needs to be put down. ”   I said nothing for several reasons.  Now I am her only transportation and she can’t get him to the office on her own.  She can’t drive safely.  Plus she has given me that ultimatum to leave and if so I want to take him with me. 

 That will pose another problem.  Anything that she has, even if she does not want it, she makes sure I do not have access to.  SHe would rather the dog be killed that give it to me.  We have had this situation before with pets in the past.  She had a cat she adopted the same time as she adopted this dog Tiny and she decided she did not want the cat.  I wanted the cat becasue she had given it to me for about a month or so.  Then for some reason she got mad and wanted the cat back so she could give it away.  The cat was already a part of our family and I refused to give her back.  I kept her for 9 years.  That was always a bone of contention.  Her cat that she never wanted and simply wanted back to send to the animal shelter, most likely to be put asleep.  I was not having it. 

Mae has a history of getting rid of all of our pets.  When I was a child it was done to hurt me.  Any animal that I grew to love she would get rid of.  Over and over again it happened. I think it is the way with Tiny.  Even thought he is sick, he knows who loves him.  I do.  Mae talks mean to him, never pets him and yells constantly at him to stop coughing.  She barely gives him his medication and recently has been asking me to do it.  I think that she is not giving it to him correctly to hasten his demise.  He is to never miss a dose, yet when she tells me to give it to him, she often says, I did not give him any in the morning.  I have offered to give him all his medication morning and night and she always refuses. 

He has a cough and has cough syrup.  She says it is too hard to give it to him with the syringe.  He is not being properly medicated by her,  according to the vet’s instructions.  Tiny sleeps with me and she gets upset with that.  He will not go anywhere near her room to sleep.  She accuses me now of locking him in my room so that he can’t get out.  That is not the case.  The door is always cracked so that he can have access to his water in the kitchen.   

Tiny is a happy but sick little dog.  He has many more years left in good health if he would just get the medication the way he is supposed to.  I really think that Mae is not giving it to him so that he can get sick and would appear to be on his last legs she she takes him to the vet.  I have never seen anyone so narcissistic in all my life.  Why treat a defenseless dog like that?  It is just not right.  I am doing all within my power to stay on top of his medication to be sure he gets it and to give him the cough syrup.  I just hope that one day when I come home he is not gone.   

Poison. Poison. Poison. PPPPP-Poison!

Remember that song by Bell, Biv and Devoe?  Poison?  Well poison has always been a part of my mother’s life.  As far back and I can remember…from the time I was a small child, she has always believed that various coworkers, family members and even me have been trying to poison her.  It is part of the paranoia that she has.  Last night she accused me once again of trying to poison her.  How?  Ice cream.  I bought ice cream about 8 months ago….little pint sizes and she had a friend over and decided to eat it.  I was saving it for me.  They had a pint container each about a month ago.  They did not finish it all so both containers went back in the freezer.  They threw away the lids and just put saran wrap over it.   

Well, I was eating dinner by myself in the  kitchen and she came in and sat down and asked me what happened to her ice cream.  I at first had no idea what she was talking about.  I asked her what she was talking about.  She had my buy her popcycles day before yesterday.  Was that it?  They were in the freezer.  No.  She was talking about my special icecream.  She said it was now discolored and she wanted to know what I had done to it.  I just looked at her. 

Here we go again. 

I told her I had not a clue as to what she was talking about.  She said I did and that I must be mad that she and her friend ate my icecream without asking so I must have done something to it.  She said she thinks I put poison in the ice cream and that it is not a good thing to think that your own family is trying to poison her.  I told her I agreed and and that it was very bizarre and crazy for her to think that.  Then I tried to make light of it and I said yes…that is the ticket.  I am trying to poison you.  Then I rolled my eyes and said she was crazy again and she then said I was the bizarre one.  I told her no….I was not the one who constantly things that people are trying to poison me. 

I got up and left.  I was slighly upset because these things are so out of left field.  I have heard them all before but they still have the ability to hurt my feelings.  You would think I would be over that now.  I told her to get real and that if anything in a freezer looked discolored it was due to freezer burn.  She and her friend Maggie did not put the tops back on the ice cream..just saran wrap….so it had to be freezer burn. 

Then she ran down the list of all the times she thinks me and other people poisoned her. 

Me–poisoned milk about 5 months ago.  I told my child not to drink from a carton of old milk mom had in the fridge because it was spoiled. I tasted it and it was spoiled. Mom claims the milk was good and that it was poisoned by me  so after that she has been afraid to drink milk for fear of me poisoning the milk.

Me–she claims I tried to poison beef when I was in high school.  It was a new recipe I tried for the first time and she did not like the taste.  She said it was poisoned.  We all ate it for dinner and no one got sick…yet she was poisoned and I did it.

Others–on many occasions she claims and still claims to this day that co-workers put arsonic in her salad in the fridge in the employee breakroom.  She got a virus and claims it was due to poisoned salad.

Others–a poisonus dust was placed all over her desk at work that caused her to sneeze and have allergies

Others—a poisonous peach pit was placed in her trash can at work by others

The list goes on and on and on and she has been claiming this from as far back as I can remember in the first grade.  With all that poisoning going on you would think that she would be dead by now from some form of poison.  It just bothers me.  I know she is mentally ill but accusations like that are still upsetting. 

 

That is No Offer!

My mother is in the process of getting all her papers in order.  When my father died I was able to see the will and realize that everything goes to my brother.  My mother has been threatening to leave me nothing when she dies…just because.  I have done nothing to her in reality to have her feel that way.  It has been that way since I was born.  My brother has always been the favorite.  I have always been the outsider.  Since birth.  Why?  I am not sure.  Well, I did have a chance to read the will and everything does go to my brother.  It make me mad in a way.  I have done far better in life than he in terms of life, work and education.  Yet it is not good enough for mom.  I still mean nothing to her and have not accomplished nothing in life…according to her.  So it all goes to my brother. 

When my father died, it was me and my child that my mother wanted to move in with her.  We did.  We gave up our home of 12 years, a cat we loved…she was like a 2nd child to me and for who?  My mother. And for what?  Aparrently nothing.  She has redone the will in the last month and from all the things she has said recently, it still all goes to my brother.  Yet, I am the one living with her, driving her around to her doctor and social appointments.  She cannot see to drive anymore.  Her vison is leaving her and she is going blind.  I have to take off my job at work to get her to the doctor.  I do most of the cooking in the house for her and me and my child.  I do her yardwork for her.  She can’t do a whole lot now.  And just about anything else she asks Ido to help her.  Why?  I will get nothing when she dies. 

It is not like I am asking her for anything.  She is always telling me this…..that nothing is coming to me, nothing is in my name and never will be.  So why is it me that she is calling to move in with her and take her.  Why is she not calling on my brother and sister in law?   Why am I living with her.  There is no point.  I feel like the one who gets should be the one who does.  I have never felt like that until now.  It is constantly being thrown up to me. She has asked my brother to come at the end of this month to claim what he wants in the house. 

Me?  Nothing has been asked of me.  The only thing she is now saying is that she wants me to now move out of her house by July 1st.   She has come up with this about 3 weeks ago.