On this morning when I woke up I decided that since I was off from work, I would take my child out for breakfast at Paneras. It is one of my favorite places to go. She and I were getting ready and were both in the bathroom. I was curling my hair and she was applying lip gloss. We would be ready to leave in about 10 minutes. Mom comes to the bathroom door and asks in her usual gruff tone of voice if we have plans for tonight. I tell her no. She does not hear because she is instantly off on a tangent about how she is never included in anything and that we do our own thing andon and on. I speak over her and tell her again we have no plans for New Years Eve night.
The subject then changes. She leaves the bathroom and we continue to get ready. Another 10 minutes and we will be walking out the door. Well mom returns to the bathroom again and this time she says, “I do not want to be afraid to eat the food in the refridgerator because you two are being funny about milk. I know you are trying to poison me. You are putting poison in my food and since that is the case I will just unplug the refridgerator. ” I just look at her and immediately burst out laughing.
Some things are just so crazy, I can do nothing but laugh. The sad thing is she is serious. I had noticed that she was not eating any of the food I had cooked for the past 2 weeks. I had commented to my child about that very thing in the past few days…that mom did not appear to be eating anything I cooked. I thought it was because she was just mad and wanted nothing to do with anything I had something to do with…her normal state.
When I finally stop laughing I tell her that what she just said makes no sense at all. I refused to agree to her wanting me to account for the food in the regrigerator. Some things are just too ridiculous. The really sad thing is that all my life as far back as I can recall as a chld, thinking that people are putting things in her food or me poisoning her has been a constant. She used to think that people at work were putting things in her lunch. Then at home, she used to say I was poisoning her whenever I cooked anything for dinner. I would try a new recipe and she would eat it and then say I was poisoning her and then would get physically ill from the food. She is paranoid and I would venture to say even suffering from delusions of persecution. The box below is my mother in everyway. Everyone is always against her, plotting or trying to kill or poison her.
Delusions. Delusions are false personal beliefs that are not part of the person’s culture and do not change, even when other people present proof that the beliefs are not true or logical. People with schizophrenia can have delusions that are quite bizarre, such as believing that neighbors can control their behavior with magnetic waves, people on television are directing special messages to them, or radio stations are broadcasting their thoughts aloud to others. They may also have delusions of grandeur and think they are famous historical figures. People with paranoid schizophrenia can believe that others are deliberately cheating, harassing, poisoning, spying upon, or plotting against them or the people they care about. These beliefs are called delusions of persecution.
Once again she left the bathroom and I just looked at my child and shook my head in silence. We got ready to go. I asked mom if she wanted to go anywhere for New Years Eve. No was the answer. Then she asked me if I was going to cook. I told her no and that there was so much food already in the box I had cooked that needed to be eaten. But I told her if she wanted the traditional meal of chicken, hoppin john and greens I would cook it. She did. Dani and I left and went shopping and we also went to have breakfast at Paneras.
Dani and I had a great breakfast and we laughed and talked without being under suspicion. Whenever we laugh at anything, even a television show that might be a comedy, mom things we are laughing at her. All laughter is ALWAYS about her regardless of what it is. I finally have begun to say yes whenever we do laugh and she begins to yell and scream that we are laughing about her. I tell her we are. Suddenly, I get no more crazy accusations about laughter from her. I do not know if she needed the confirmation or she realized that I was saying yes just to say it. Whatever the reason, saying yes to that has stopped that entire “laugh” fight from happening.
Dani and I were able to have a day to ourselves after that. We need calm time together. We went to see I am Legend. IT was pretty good. Like everyone else I thought it was a vampire movie. It was good and the sad thing is, that scenario could happen anyday right now. I am Legend is a good movie. It is worth seeing.
After the movie Dani and I went home, I cooked and the three of us watched the ball drop in Time Square. It was very uneventful. That is good, but when you are always on the alert for some altercation, even the times when things are quiet, I still feel stressed. 2008 came without drama and suspicion.
The Golden Days of Mae 