Can Parents Be Jealous of Their Children?

YES!  I have come to realize that that is much of the problem with my mother and why she hates me.  I say hate because she does hate me.  She claims many times in a course of a day that I hate her.  I have never ever said anything like that to her.  In fact I have said the opposite and she then calls me a liar.  She then says I hate her.  She has been claiming that as far back as I can remember.   Literally when I think back to first grade.  I can remember her claiming that then and continuing to say that all the years of my life up to present day. 

I began to take my child to a couselor because of all the stress we have had since we moved in with her a year ago.  Yes…we moved in at her request when my father died.     The counselor talks with me the first 15 minutes of the session in regards to status in the house as it relates to my child.  In no uncertain terms….she immediate sumized that my mother was and is jealous of me.  That is the root of the problem.  That is why she has a problem with the people I know, talk to, things I do with the people I know, things I like, the clothes I wear.  She has a problem with everything I do, wear, say, people I know, things I do, work, school, chuch, books I read, tv I  watch….literally everything.   She hates it all. 

I was not convinced initially by what the couselor said, but over the last month I have considered it and looked at my mother that way and it is true.  She is jealous of me.  The only thing that comes out of her mouth as far as words is hatred.  She claims everyone hates her but it is her feelings projected onto others. She puts up obstacles and roadblocks whenever we are in social settings at church or around the people I have a connection with.   There is always a fight after and it is always about her and some imaginary slight she feels I have done to her or that others have done to her. 

The only way to fight the green eyed monster is to get away from it.  There is no way to control it as she has to be the one to recognize it and control it.  She has no control.  Tearing others down to build herself up is the only thing she knows.  Our option?  We have to move I do believe.  It is the only way for me and my child to be happy again and at peace.  And to feel at home in our own place.   We have to go and very soon. 

She Can’t Stay Here!

I was out of the country last week for about a week.  This has been a planned trip that has been about a year in the making, so everyone knew I was going.  Well.  About 6 months ago, mom decided that she would not keep my daughter, her grand daughter.  Why?  Just because.  It was somethiong for her to do just to cause me trouble in regards to going.  I never forgot what she said as I did think she would keep to that proclomation as the time got nearer for me to go.  Well about 2 months ago she said it again.  She said it like it was the first time.  She said that she will not be keeping my daughter when I go away.  Well it is very odd, as she is 14 and does not need to be “kept.”  We live with my mother so it is not like you brining a child over to a baby sitter.   She said that she had kept her when I went away last summer to Brazil and she was not going to do it again. 

Well.  The first option was her godmother in Atlanta.  I called.  She has just taken on a new part time job and her mother, who she lives with is spending all of June in Spokan, Washington.  No one would be at home with my child until late night.  She would be locked in a house in Atlanta all day and most of the night until her godmother got home.  That would not work. 

Next!  My brother who lives in North Carolina.  I called him.  He and his family were going on a trip to the Outer Banks on June 15-20th.  My trip was June 12-19th.  Some overlap.  He has a family of 5 and they will just barely fit in his car.  That was the issue.  There was room in the hotel but no room in the car with 2 car seats.  The solution.  Rental car or SUV.  I had to pay $200 toward the cost, but my child got to go with them to the beach and have a great time with people who wanted to be with her.  It was the best option. 

I drove her up on  Monday.  I wanted to tell my mother until Sunday night.  That was the best option.  Her craziness would be minimized instead of being drawn out for a week prior to my child going on the trip.  It was the best option and it was the best choice.  We had begun to pack when she asked what was going on.  I looked at her puzzled and asked what was she talking about.  I told her my trip was in 3 days and my daughter was packing to go out of town. 

She began to yell, “When was I going to tell her?”  My response was simple.  I was telling her now and what was the problem.  My child was leaving as she requested so exactly what was she yelling and carrying on about now.  She should be happy.  Her wishes were being answered.  She finally left when I kept repeating that I did not know why she was carrying on now.  My child was leaving as she wanted to  exactly what was the problem now?  

And by the way.  My child?  She is a good, quiet girl who is not any trouble of any kind.  She gets A’s and B’s and takes honors classes.  She plays the violin (just like her mother) and sings in the church choir.  Does that kind of child sound like she would be trouble?  Trust me she is not.  She is rather shy and am I trying to bring her out. 

Her going was good.  It would get her away from the craziness of her grandmother and into a place where people wanted to be around her…her aunt, uncle and cousins.  She is at the beach….a place she loves to go.  It was the best match.  When I was away out of the country I did call home midweek.  Just to check.  Mom had heard from my daughter.  Her comment to me….”well, I did not mean for her to be DUMPED on your brother when he was on vacation with his family.”  I said nothing.  She was still just even madder now that she realized my child would be on vacation at the beach. 

I was out of the country, my child was at the beach and she was alone, just as she claimed she wanted to be.  Even when we do what she wants, it still is not right.  Her attempt to stop me from going on my trip was foiled.  Her attempt to cause chaos around where my child would be staying was also foiled.  I had 2 good options for her.  Thank God!  sometimes evil does not win.

 

Evil Is, As Evil Does

Peck draws a profile of the evil: they have no regard for the truth; they lie and live in a world of lies. They are masters of disguise and cloak themselves with masks of respectability, goodness and often piety. (Peck tells us that religiosity is a common and effective disguise.) But it is the appearance of propriety and respectability that is the important factor. Peck defines evil as: “The exercise of political power—that is, the imposition of one’s will upon others by overt or covert coercion…” Or in other words: it is the use “of political power to destroy others,” for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of one’s sick self (or group).

Evil is described by Peck as “militant ignorance”. In this it is close to the original Judeo-Christian concept of “sin” as a consistent process that leads to failure to reach one’s true goals.

An evil person:

• Projects his or her evils and sins onto others and tries to remove them from others
• Maintains a high level of respectability and lies incessantly in order to do so
• Is consistent in his or her sins. Evil persons are characterized not so much by the magnitude of their sins, but by their consistency
• Is unable to think from other people’s viewpoints.

Most evil people realize the evil deep within themselves but are unable to tolerate the pain of introspection or admit to themselves that they are evil. Thus, they constantly run away from their evil by putting themselves in a position of moral superiority and putting the locus of evil on others. Evil is an extreme form of what Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled, calls a character disorder.

 

Too Much Stuff!

You know, it has been very hard to keep this page properly because there is so much going on.  I really do want to keep it all here.  It has just been so much and all so very crazy!  Where to begin?  I guess with what is going on now.  The blanks will eventually be filled in. 

Irrationality Wins Again!

Last night I come home after a long day..about 10pm.  Mom had spent the day rearranging the kitchen.  It looked good.  But I wondered  how she did it all.  I looked in the cabinets trying to see where everything was.  In particular I was looking for my sea salt.  Mae comes to the kitchen and I say hello.  She immediately begins to yell and carryon about what I am not sure.  She was saying all sorts of crazy things like I have an attitude and that I must make so much that I can’t talk to her.  Nuts.  All I said to her was HELLO!  Nothing more.  I asked her what in the world she was talking about.  She said she was referring to Sunday night when she wanted to talk at midnight.  I was working on my computer and told her that I wanted to talk to her but midnight was not the time.  I offered her Tuesday as I would be off work at the regular time and would get home semi early.  She refused.  She insisted that we talk and of course it was not talk.  It was accusing me of all sorts of things.  She said I did not love her, that I normally sit up til 2 or 3 am each night so this time was good for me.  Now that did not make any sense what so ever.  My day begins at 5.  I told her she was making stuff up that made no sense.  I could not possibly make it on 2 hours of sleep and get up at 5 am.  Where is she getting this stuff? 

Finally at 12:20 or so I told her that this was NOT talking and that I still had computer things to do and I had to get to bed as well.  She finally left.  So last night she says she wants to know why Tuesday and not Monday.  I told her…Tuesday I get off semi early and that I would have time to talk to her.  Off course this was not acceptable.  She insisted that me telling her that was me having attitude.  I told her no.  I was not the one with the attitude.  I simply told her HELLO and she was in instant attack mode and the one with the attitude.  She then left me alone and went to her room. 

I tried to do my work, but was stopped because my child was working on a book report till about 11.  She had put this off till the last minute.  So tonight again I will attempt to do some work on my computer.  I am sure it will not be well received as Mae said she got no satisfaction from our “talk” on Sunday night at midnight.  ????????  I do not get it.   All she did was yell and carry on in a low voice but it still was abusive and based not in anything close to reality.  All I have to do is walk in the door and it begins.  She must spend all her time just thinking of all the things she imagines that I am doing to her each day. 

When she is in this frame of mind, I wish you all could see her physical appearance. Her face is all screwed up, lips pursed out.  It is like a mask of extreme anger.  Why?  Because I walked in the door and said HELLO! 

Tonight awaits!

Social Control

I meet with a group of friends weekly and we have a good time. Talking. Crafts, other things. All completely innocent. Mae has become obsessed with all that I do and all the things I do with others. Even obsessed with the people I talk too. Somehow they are all talking about her or commenting about her or saying things about her. She reads suspicious meanings into all things that my friends may say in public places. Crazy. Paranoid. It is all about her all the time. This is very familiar. It was like this in high school. So much so that I had few friends. Mae ran them all away. They could not come over, they could not call and eventually , once she said ugly things to them in person or on the phone, they were not my friends anymore. It was another method of control…to keep me isolated. It was not until my junior year that I was strong enough to stand up to that and I decided I was not going to be isolated anymore. It resulted in lots of turmoil, but I had a few friends. They could never come over to our house. At times, Mae would threaten that, if when they came to pick me up to go out, if they stepped once foot on her grass, it was trespassing and she would call the police. I would simply go outside when they drove up.

Now she is doing the same thing. As I am trying to keep thos boundaries in place, the turmoil is still there. Whenever I come home from group, she is always there waiting for me to cause an argument. The typical thing I hear is, “How is your mother?” She is totally obssessed with the leader of my weekly group. She has decided and declares that I am not her child and she(Mae) is not my mother. She has decided that the leader of the weekly group is my “real” mother. So…every week after I get home, “how is your mother?” I mainly ingore her and keep on doing what I need to do to get ready for bed. She will of course pursist. To me it is not worth it to answer the question. That is just engaging in a needless and pointless conversation, argument. I don’t have time to answer.

What will answering do? What would denying or saying anything at all do? Whatever my answer would be would just begin the long one sided argument or rather the long, one sided, at least an hour or two long, rattling off of endless cursing, insults, name calling and belittling of me. I try not to say anything because I need to go to bed to get up to start my work day the next morning. If I say less or nothing, it will end sooner than midnight. I might be able to get 4 hours of sleep instead of 3 or less. Mae is trying to stop me from attending any groups that I am involved in. She has something bad to say just about everyone in them. Mind you, they have had very limited contact with her, yet they all have done something to her…it is all imagined. She has even demanded that I stop going to them all. Just because she does not like the group or the people in them. There is nothing rational or anything that is even based in reality for her to insist that. I can’t. I refuse to go along with those rules of hers.

It is tiring…to have a great time with friends and then to go home to a world war as soon as you walk in the door. I can’t let her take away what little joy and friends I have. She has her own groups and friends and things she attends. Noone bothers her about her participation. Why can’t she just focus on her friends and groups? I don’t understand why she is still trying to control me socially or why she is so obsessed with all I do and the people I associate with.

Because I will not stop attending my groups and particpiating in the things that I am involved in, Mae has said she will now take every public opportunity she can to do and say embarrassing things about me. This too is not new. This is yet another repeated pattern of behavior I experienced when I was younger. Since I will not stop attending due to her pressure, then she will try to publically humiliate me to stop going or to have others stop associating with me due to all the controversy. She has already begun.

In church we were attending the same sunday class because it was on a topic we both wanted to study. Me in that class with her was a nighmare. She had all sorts of ridiculous rules that I was supposed to follow. I did not agree, so it was always turmoil to and from church. They included things like I had to sit right next to her at all times. She did not want me talking to anyone in the class as in making normal conversation. I could not agree with any comments that anyone else made on any topics…I was to agree only with any comments she made. The list goes on. I of course did not obey any of these rules. I sat where I wanted to sit. I said hello to whoever I wanted to and if someone in the class made a statement or a comment I liked, I agreed with it. There was hell to pay.

Finally the class was over and I was able to go back to my original class. Mae decided to join that class also. Not because she wants to be in the class because she never even reads the class book or do anything to prepare. She has joined because I am in there and so are some of the friends from my weekly group. It is a way to continue the chaos. People may be talking innocently about the class topics or laughing about other things and somehow they are all talking about her and saying bad things in “code” about her and it is due to me. I have to account for everything that anyone in the class says that she thinks is about her. So every Sunday at home, I have to explain what all those people mean and have to account for how I put them all up to talking and saying things about her. In code. It is just stark raving crazy.

The irrational, paranoid thinking of Mae is driving me crazy. It makes me so very tired. Having to address all those imaginary things. Take last night for example. I went to a performance at the local art center to see a show that I just love. I went with a former co-worker. At 6:00 am this morning there Mae was. She had decided that I had NOT gone with a former co-worker. She had decided that I had gone with my “real mother.” The woman who is the leader of my weekly group. She must have stayed up all night just mulling over and getting all worked up over something that is totally imagined in her own head.

Back Again

It has been awhile but there has been no loss of something to write.  Drama is a daily occurrence.  It has been so hard to write because I feel so stifled at times.  Today was no exception.  Today is Ash Wednesday.   She has been argumentative all day about everything.  She does not like the way I drive or the roads I take.  Granted she is a back seat driver, legally blind and cannot drive anymore, yet my driving is the worst ever.  It is a constant attack on my driving whenever we get in the car.  Then it was that  I was buying my child too much chocolate.  The chocolate bar she is talking about was mine.  I ate it.  I told her that.  Made no difference.  She already had it in her mind that the chocolate was not mine.

She has demanded that I move out.  My father died in December 2006 and she demanded that we move in with her.  I did thinking I was doing the right thing by taking care of my now widowed mother.  Wrong.  It has been a living hell since we moved in.  Constant verbal and mental attacks.  Now she wants us to move.  Soon, she says she hates us being here with her.  Tonight she has decided that I AM going to clean her house till I leave.  Like I am now a slave and have to clean her house as payment.  Wrong!  I do clean when I have time but I work long hours at my job daily and have a child I have to keep up with.  I do have other obligations at church.  She is nuts.  She has just about decided that I must give up Friday nights with friends to clean.  There is just no way that any cleaning is going to be done on Friday night after a long week and I am tired.  Saturday. Yes.  Friday? No.

Friday night is coming.  I am sure there will be a problem.

That is also a way for her to prevent me from seeing friends.  She has a problem with every social group I am a member of.  She has a problem with everyone in the group that I speak to as well.  I wish she would focus on her own groups and friends and not mine.  I have never seen anyone so obsessed with all the people and activities in my life.  But in a negative way.  There is something bad or wrong with every group I participate in and all the people in them. Does she know them?  No.  There are just wrong assumptions she has made up and decided to believe as her reality.  Magical thinking.

New Years Eve 2007

On this morning when I woke up I decided that since I was off from work, I would take my child out for breakfast at Paneras. It is one of my favorite places to go. She and I were getting ready and were both in the bathroom. I was curling my hair and she was applying lip gloss. We would be ready to leave in about 10 minutes. Mom comes to the bathroom door and asks in her usual gruff tone of voice if we have plans for tonight. I tell her no. She does not hear because she is instantly off on a tangent about how she is never included in anything and that we do our own thing andon and on. I speak over her and tell her again we have no plans for New Years Eve night.

The subject then changes. She leaves the bathroom and we continue to get ready. Another 10 minutes and we will be walking out the door. Well mom returns to the bathroom again and this time she says, “I do not want to be afraid to eat the food in the refridgerator because you two are being funny about milk. I know you are trying to poison me. You are putting poison in my food and since that is the case I will just unplug the refridgerator. ” I just look at her and immediately burst out laughing.

Some things are just so crazy, I can do nothing but laugh. The sad thing is she is serious. I had noticed that she was not eating any of the food I had cooked for the past 2 weeks. I had commented to my child about that very thing in the past few days…that mom did not appear to be eating anything I cooked. I thought it was because she was just mad and wanted nothing to do with anything I had something to do with…her normal state.

When I finally stop laughing I tell her that what she just said makes no sense at all. I refused to agree to her wanting me to account for the food in the regrigerator. Some things are just too ridiculous. The really sad thing is that all my life as far back as I can recall as a chld, thinking that people are putting things in her food or me poisoning her has been a constant. She used to think that people at work were putting things in her lunch. Then at home, she used to say I was poisoning her whenever I cooked anything for dinner. I would try a new recipe and she would eat it and then say I was poisoning her and then would get physically ill from the food. She is paranoid and I would venture to say even suffering from delusions of persecution. The box below is my mother in everyway. Everyone is always against her, plotting or trying to kill or poison her.

Delusions. Delusions are false personal beliefs that are not part of the person’s culture and do not change, even when other people present proof that the beliefs are not true or logical. People with schizophrenia can have delusions that are quite bizarre, such as believing that neighbors can control their behavior with magnetic waves, people on television are directing special messages to them, or radio stations are broadcasting their thoughts aloud to others. They may also have delusions of grandeur and think they are famous historical figures. People with paranoid schizophrenia can believe that others are deliberately cheating, harassing, poisoning, spying upon, or plotting against them or the people they care about. These beliefs are called delusions of persecution.

Once again she left the bathroom and I just looked at my child and shook my head in silence. We got ready to go. I asked mom if she wanted to go anywhere for New Years Eve. No was the answer. Then she asked me if I was going to cook. I told her no and that there was so much food already in the box I had cooked that needed to be eaten. But I told her if she wanted the traditional meal of chicken, hoppin john and greens I would cook it. She did. Dani and I left and went shopping and we also went to have breakfast at Paneras.

Dani and I had a great breakfast and we laughed and talked without being under suspicion. Whenever we laugh at anything, even a television show that might be a comedy, mom things we are laughing at her. All laughter is ALWAYS about her regardless of what it is. I finally have begun to say yes whenever we do laugh and she begins to yell and scream that we are laughing about her. I tell her we are. Suddenly, I get no more crazy accusations about laughter from her. I do not know if she needed the confirmation or she realized that I was saying yes just to say it. Whatever the reason, saying yes to that has stopped that entire “laugh” fight from happening.

Dani and I were able to have a day to ourselves after that. We need calm time together. We went to see I am Legend. IT was pretty good. Like everyone else I thought it was a vampire movie. It was good and the sad thing is, that scenario could happen anyday right now. I am Legend is a good movie. It is worth seeing.

After the movie Dani and I went home, I cooked and the three of us watched the ball drop in Time Square. It was very uneventful. That is good, but when you are always on the alert for some altercation, even the times when things are quiet, I still feel stressed. 2008 came without drama and suspicion.

Prayer Begins at the Edge of Emptiness

I reached that place of emptiness this  holiday season.  I did not take on the crazy and it worked for me and my child.  I made some tough choices that were better for us in the long run.  The consequences of confronting and refusing to do what was to me was a sham are still on going.  I will tell you about Thanksgiving and Christmas and the aftermath of each.  Heck.   I will even have to go back to October to the birthday so that you REALLY will have a clear picture.

I prayed hard everyday and on many days almost all day for a different way, guidance and strenght to withstand the unleashing of anger and bitterness and utter chaos that swirled around me.  Prayer really does begin at the edge of emptiness.

OOPA!

Have you ever felt like breaking dishes! Like the Greeks I wanted to do that on yesterday. Just 2 or 3 casserole dishes. But would that make me feel better? It might. The greeks do that out of ancient custom. In its earliest form, plate smashing may be a survival of the ancient custom of ritually “killing” the ceramic vessels used for feasts commemorating the dead. The voluntary breaking of plates, which is a type of controlled loss, may also have helped participants in dealing with the deaths of their loved ones, a loss which they could not control. Similar offerings may also have been presented at other times to include the dead in festival proceedings, with the result that this custom for the dead began to be tied in with all kinds of celebrations.