Computer Daze

Mae has a problem each time that I get on my computer in my room.  I have been looking for new jobs and of course everything has to be submitted on line.  Night before last I was submitting resumes to several companies and in my room she came demanding to know why I was on the computer.  We have had this conversation over and over and over.  At least 100 times in the past..literally.   I use the computer for bloggins, looking for job, reading CNN and doing research.  All the normal things anyone would use the computer for.   I told her I was looking for jobs and of course she again went on and on.  I asked her what was it that she did not understand.  The days of going door to door looking for jobs is no more in our age of advanced technology.  Finally after 30 minutes of harrassment she left me alone.  The time? About 1:30 AM in the morning. 

Well last night about 9:30 pm I was in my room watching Miami Vice and in she comes.  Again about the computer and what I am doing looking for jobs and on and on and on.  All sorts of crazy things, like I was trying to take her house and that was why I moved in with her.  I reminded her again that the only reason I moved in was because she requested and demanded it.  My father died in December 2006 and and she was asking for several months that we move in and we finally did in March of 2007.  She literally would say things like your father would want you to move in with her and take care of her.  It is what your father would have wanted.  She claims I was the one who kept asking to move in.  Wrong! 

Then she began the whole thing about having to move out.  I told her I was working on it but with my work hours of Monday-Friday 8:30 -6:00, I will need to request time off to look.  AND that I had done that for next week.  In the very next breath she said that she did not understand why I just did not take a few hours off to look.  Are we on two different planets?  I told her that was just what I said and did she not HEAR that? 

The problem is she has all these preconcieved notions and totally wrong assumptions.  She does not truly listen to anything I actually say.  Then she began to tell me the professions I could have gone into.  Crazy.  I have been to college, graduated with honors, had great, well paying jobs that I have had for long term.  The last job I just left, I had been there for 10 years.  I have been successful in all my jobs.  It was just spiralling into absolute madness.  It is like she things I am in high school just starting out?   Finally I told her that I didnot need any help or advice with my career search or possible change.  She finally said she was DONE.  Yet she continued on.  THen I said that if she was done why was she still talking and standing in the door of my room?  30 minute later she left. 

I do not get it.  If I choose to look for a new job, how else am I to get one unless I look for one?  Why all the chaos when I do look for one.  I almost get the feeling she does not want me to get a new job with better pay because I will be able to move out.  I won’t be there for her to yell at.  She really will have to do something for herself.  Right now I take care of the dog, garbage on garbage day, cooking, getting the newspaper, doing her gardening and driving her to all her doctor appointments and shopping trips to the mall and whatever on the weekends. 

As she was leaving I told her that she was totally crazy…really crazy.  The things she was coming up with were so bizarre and way out in left field.  And…where she was getting it all from, I had no idea.   She literally begins the verbal attack as soon as I walk in the door.  I do nothing but say hello and it begins.  I never seek her out.  She is always there waiting for me in attack mode 24 hours aday. 

One of the most bizarre things she consistenly says and has said throughout the years?  She claims that I do not want her hair to grow.  What the hell do you say to that? 

Dog Gone

Mae has a little dog that she has had for a very long time.  He is a little lap dog, a pomeranian.  Cute and loveable ascan be.  He is old and sick now.   He is in congestive heart failure and has been that way for about a year or so.  He is on medication as well.   Twice a day for his heart problems.   Another ailment that he has is a cough.  The cough is something that his type of breed has.  His windpipe collapses when he gets excited or over exerts himself so all day long he is panting and coughing.  Mae can’t stand the coughing.  She does not want to hear it.  Why?  Because it is a cough with a little gag at the end. 

We have taken the dog to the vet over and over and it has been explained to her that there is little that can be done.  The cough is something his breed just has and he is on cough syrup to try to help.  Twice in the past year Mae has said that she wants to have the dog put to sleep just because she does not want to hear anymore coughing.  The dog is not suffering and is in good health given his condition.  He is happy and perky and jumps around and is fine.  He just has a cough when he gets excited.  Is that a reason to have the dog put to sleep?  In my book,  no!  If the dog were actually suffering that would be a different story.  It would be time to put him down.  I personally do not believe that the vet would agree to put an animal down if he was not ready.  Would they?  Just because the owner did not want the dog anymore? 

The times we have taken the dog to the vet that was the purpose Mae had in mind.  The vet kept looking at me and I could tell that she understood that Mae simply wanted to have the dog killed just because she did not want it anymore.  Today when I woke up again it was the same thing. 

“I have come to a decision.  He has to be suffering.  He does not feel good.  I know it.  I can’t take the coughing.  He needs to be put down. ”   I said nothing for several reasons.  Now I am her only transportation and she can’t get him to the office on her own.  She can’t drive safely.  Plus she has given me that ultimatum to leave and if so I want to take him with me. 

 That will pose another problem.  Anything that she has, even if she does not want it, she makes sure I do not have access to.  SHe would rather the dog be killed that give it to me.  We have had this situation before with pets in the past.  She had a cat she adopted the same time as she adopted this dog Tiny and she decided she did not want the cat.  I wanted the cat becasue she had given it to me for about a month or so.  Then for some reason she got mad and wanted the cat back so she could give it away.  The cat was already a part of our family and I refused to give her back.  I kept her for 9 years.  That was always a bone of contention.  Her cat that she never wanted and simply wanted back to send to the animal shelter, most likely to be put asleep.  I was not having it. 

Mae has a history of getting rid of all of our pets.  When I was a child it was done to hurt me.  Any animal that I grew to love she would get rid of.  Over and over again it happened. I think it is the way with Tiny.  Even thought he is sick, he knows who loves him.  I do.  Mae talks mean to him, never pets him and yells constantly at him to stop coughing.  She barely gives him his medication and recently has been asking me to do it.  I think that she is not giving it to him correctly to hasten his demise.  He is to never miss a dose, yet when she tells me to give it to him, she often says, I did not give him any in the morning.  I have offered to give him all his medication morning and night and she always refuses. 

He has a cough and has cough syrup.  She says it is too hard to give it to him with the syringe.  He is not being properly medicated by her,  according to the vet’s instructions.  Tiny sleeps with me and she gets upset with that.  He will not go anywhere near her room to sleep.  She accuses me now of locking him in my room so that he can’t get out.  That is not the case.  The door is always cracked so that he can have access to his water in the kitchen.   

Tiny is a happy but sick little dog.  He has many more years left in good health if he would just get the medication the way he is supposed to.  I really think that Mae is not giving it to him so that he can get sick and would appear to be on his last legs she she takes him to the vet.  I have never seen anyone so narcissistic in all my life.  Why treat a defenseless dog like that?  It is just not right.  I am doing all within my power to stay on top of his medication to be sure he gets it and to give him the cough syrup.  I just hope that one day when I come home he is not gone.   

Poison. Poison. Poison. PPPPP-Poison!

Remember that song by Bell, Biv and Devoe?  Poison?  Well poison has always been a part of my mother’s life.  As far back and I can remember…from the time I was a small child, she has always believed that various coworkers, family members and even me have been trying to poison her.  It is part of the paranoia that she has.  Last night she accused me once again of trying to poison her.  How?  Ice cream.  I bought ice cream about 8 months ago….little pint sizes and she had a friend over and decided to eat it.  I was saving it for me.  They had a pint container each about a month ago.  They did not finish it all so both containers went back in the freezer.  They threw away the lids and just put saran wrap over it.   

Well, I was eating dinner by myself in the  kitchen and she came in and sat down and asked me what happened to her ice cream.  I at first had no idea what she was talking about.  I asked her what she was talking about.  She had my buy her popcycles day before yesterday.  Was that it?  They were in the freezer.  No.  She was talking about my special icecream.  She said it was now discolored and she wanted to know what I had done to it.  I just looked at her. 

Here we go again. 

I told her I had not a clue as to what she was talking about.  She said I did and that I must be mad that she and her friend ate my icecream without asking so I must have done something to it.  She said she thinks I put poison in the ice cream and that it is not a good thing to think that your own family is trying to poison her.  I told her I agreed and and that it was very bizarre and crazy for her to think that.  Then I tried to make light of it and I said yes…that is the ticket.  I am trying to poison you.  Then I rolled my eyes and said she was crazy again and she then said I was the bizarre one.  I told her no….I was not the one who constantly things that people are trying to poison me. 

I got up and left.  I was slighly upset because these things are so out of left field.  I have heard them all before but they still have the ability to hurt my feelings.  You would think I would be over that now.  I told her to get real and that if anything in a freezer looked discolored it was due to freezer burn.  She and her friend Maggie did not put the tops back on the ice cream..just saran wrap….so it had to be freezer burn. 

Then she ran down the list of all the times she thinks me and other people poisoned her. 

Me–poisoned milk about 5 months ago.  I told my child not to drink from a carton of old milk mom had in the fridge because it was spoiled. I tasted it and it was spoiled. Mom claims the milk was good and that it was poisoned by me  so after that she has been afraid to drink milk for fear of me poisoning the milk.

Me–she claims I tried to poison beef when I was in high school.  It was a new recipe I tried for the first time and she did not like the taste.  She said it was poisoned.  We all ate it for dinner and no one got sick…yet she was poisoned and I did it.

Others–on many occasions she claims and still claims to this day that co-workers put arsonic in her salad in the fridge in the employee breakroom.  She got a virus and claims it was due to poisoned salad.

Others–a poisonus dust was placed all over her desk at work that caused her to sneeze and have allergies

Others—a poisonous peach pit was placed in her trash can at work by others

The list goes on and on and on and she has been claiming this from as far back as I can remember in the first grade.  With all that poisoning going on you would think that she would be dead by now from some form of poison.  It just bothers me.  I know she is mentally ill but accusations like that are still upsetting. 

 

That is No Offer!

My mother is in the process of getting all her papers in order.  When my father died I was able to see the will and realize that everything goes to my brother.  My mother has been threatening to leave me nothing when she dies…just because.  I have done nothing to her in reality to have her feel that way.  It has been that way since I was born.  My brother has always been the favorite.  I have always been the outsider.  Since birth.  Why?  I am not sure.  Well, I did have a chance to read the will and everything does go to my brother.  It make me mad in a way.  I have done far better in life than he in terms of life, work and education.  Yet it is not good enough for mom.  I still mean nothing to her and have not accomplished nothing in life…according to her.  So it all goes to my brother. 

When my father died, it was me and my child that my mother wanted to move in with her.  We did.  We gave up our home of 12 years, a cat we loved…she was like a 2nd child to me and for who?  My mother. And for what?  Aparrently nothing.  She has redone the will in the last month and from all the things she has said recently, it still all goes to my brother.  Yet, I am the one living with her, driving her around to her doctor and social appointments.  She cannot see to drive anymore.  Her vison is leaving her and she is going blind.  I have to take off my job at work to get her to the doctor.  I do most of the cooking in the house for her and me and my child.  I do her yardwork for her.  She can’t do a whole lot now.  And just about anything else she asks Ido to help her.  Why?  I will get nothing when she dies. 

It is not like I am asking her for anything.  She is always telling me this…..that nothing is coming to me, nothing is in my name and never will be.  So why is it me that she is calling to move in with her and take her.  Why is she not calling on my brother and sister in law?   Why am I living with her.  There is no point.  I feel like the one who gets should be the one who does.  I have never felt like that until now.  It is constantly being thrown up to me. She has asked my brother to come at the end of this month to claim what he wants in the house. 

Me?  Nothing has been asked of me.  The only thing she is now saying is that she wants me to now move out of her house by July 1st.   She has come up with this about 3 weeks ago. 

Can Parents Be Jealous of Their Children?

YES!  I have come to realize that that is much of the problem with my mother and why she hates me.  I say hate because she does hate me.  She claims many times in a course of a day that I hate her.  I have never ever said anything like that to her.  In fact I have said the opposite and she then calls me a liar.  She then says I hate her.  She has been claiming that as far back as I can remember.   Literally when I think back to first grade.  I can remember her claiming that then and continuing to say that all the years of my life up to present day. 

I began to take my child to a couselor because of all the stress we have had since we moved in with her a year ago.  Yes…we moved in at her request when my father died.     The counselor talks with me the first 15 minutes of the session in regards to status in the house as it relates to my child.  In no uncertain terms….she immediate sumized that my mother was and is jealous of me.  That is the root of the problem.  That is why she has a problem with the people I know, talk to, things I do with the people I know, things I like, the clothes I wear.  She has a problem with everything I do, wear, say, people I know, things I do, work, school, chuch, books I read, tv I  watch….literally everything.   She hates it all. 

I was not convinced initially by what the couselor said, but over the last month I have considered it and looked at my mother that way and it is true.  She is jealous of me.  The only thing that comes out of her mouth as far as words is hatred.  She claims everyone hates her but it is her feelings projected onto others. She puts up obstacles and roadblocks whenever we are in social settings at church or around the people I have a connection with.   There is always a fight after and it is always about her and some imaginary slight she feels I have done to her or that others have done to her. 

The only way to fight the green eyed monster is to get away from it.  There is no way to control it as she has to be the one to recognize it and control it.  She has no control.  Tearing others down to build herself up is the only thing she knows.  Our option?  We have to move I do believe.  It is the only way for me and my child to be happy again and at peace.  And to feel at home in our own place.   We have to go and very soon. 

She Can’t Stay Here!

I was out of the country last week for about a week.  This has been a planned trip that has been about a year in the making, so everyone knew I was going.  Well.  About 6 months ago, mom decided that she would not keep my daughter, her grand daughter.  Why?  Just because.  It was somethiong for her to do just to cause me trouble in regards to going.  I never forgot what she said as I did think she would keep to that proclomation as the time got nearer for me to go.  Well about 2 months ago she said it again.  She said it like it was the first time.  She said that she will not be keeping my daughter when I go away.  Well it is very odd, as she is 14 and does not need to be “kept.”  We live with my mother so it is not like you brining a child over to a baby sitter.   She said that she had kept her when I went away last summer to Brazil and she was not going to do it again. 

Well.  The first option was her godmother in Atlanta.  I called.  She has just taken on a new part time job and her mother, who she lives with is spending all of June in Spokan, Washington.  No one would be at home with my child until late night.  She would be locked in a house in Atlanta all day and most of the night until her godmother got home.  That would not work. 

Next!  My brother who lives in North Carolina.  I called him.  He and his family were going on a trip to the Outer Banks on June 15-20th.  My trip was June 12-19th.  Some overlap.  He has a family of 5 and they will just barely fit in his car.  That was the issue.  There was room in the hotel but no room in the car with 2 car seats.  The solution.  Rental car or SUV.  I had to pay $200 toward the cost, but my child got to go with them to the beach and have a great time with people who wanted to be with her.  It was the best option. 

I drove her up on  Monday.  I wanted to tell my mother until Sunday night.  That was the best option.  Her craziness would be minimized instead of being drawn out for a week prior to my child going on the trip.  It was the best option and it was the best choice.  We had begun to pack when she asked what was going on.  I looked at her puzzled and asked what was she talking about.  I told her my trip was in 3 days and my daughter was packing to go out of town. 

She began to yell, “When was I going to tell her?”  My response was simple.  I was telling her now and what was the problem.  My child was leaving as she requested so exactly what was she yelling and carrying on about now.  She should be happy.  Her wishes were being answered.  She finally left when I kept repeating that I did not know why she was carrying on now.  My child was leaving as she wanted to  exactly what was the problem now?  

And by the way.  My child?  She is a good, quiet girl who is not any trouble of any kind.  She gets A’s and B’s and takes honors classes.  She plays the violin (just like her mother) and sings in the church choir.  Does that kind of child sound like she would be trouble?  Trust me she is not.  She is rather shy and am I trying to bring her out. 

Her going was good.  It would get her away from the craziness of her grandmother and into a place where people wanted to be around her…her aunt, uncle and cousins.  She is at the beach….a place she loves to go.  It was the best match.  When I was away out of the country I did call home midweek.  Just to check.  Mom had heard from my daughter.  Her comment to me….”well, I did not mean for her to be DUMPED on your brother when he was on vacation with his family.”  I said nothing.  She was still just even madder now that she realized my child would be on vacation at the beach. 

I was out of the country, my child was at the beach and she was alone, just as she claimed she wanted to be.  Even when we do what she wants, it still is not right.  Her attempt to stop me from going on my trip was foiled.  Her attempt to cause chaos around where my child would be staying was also foiled.  I had 2 good options for her.  Thank God!  sometimes evil does not win.

 

Evil Is, As Evil Does

Peck draws a profile of the evil: they have no regard for the truth; they lie and live in a world of lies. They are masters of disguise and cloak themselves with masks of respectability, goodness and often piety. (Peck tells us that religiosity is a common and effective disguise.) But it is the appearance of propriety and respectability that is the important factor. Peck defines evil as: “The exercise of political power—that is, the imposition of one’s will upon others by overt or covert coercion…” Or in other words: it is the use “of political power to destroy others,” for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of one’s sick self (or group).

Evil is described by Peck as “militant ignorance”. In this it is close to the original Judeo-Christian concept of “sin” as a consistent process that leads to failure to reach one’s true goals.

An evil person:

• Projects his or her evils and sins onto others and tries to remove them from others
• Maintains a high level of respectability and lies incessantly in order to do so
• Is consistent in his or her sins. Evil persons are characterized not so much by the magnitude of their sins, but by their consistency
• Is unable to think from other people’s viewpoints.

Most evil people realize the evil deep within themselves but are unable to tolerate the pain of introspection or admit to themselves that they are evil. Thus, they constantly run away from their evil by putting themselves in a position of moral superiority and putting the locus of evil on others. Evil is an extreme form of what Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled, calls a character disorder.

 

Too Much Stuff!

You know, it has been very hard to keep this page properly because there is so much going on.  I really do want to keep it all here.  It has just been so much and all so very crazy!  Where to begin?  I guess with what is going on now.  The blanks will eventually be filled in. 

Irrationality Wins Again!

Last night I come home after a long day..about 10pm.  Mom had spent the day rearranging the kitchen.  It looked good.  But I wondered  how she did it all.  I looked in the cabinets trying to see where everything was.  In particular I was looking for my sea salt.  Mae comes to the kitchen and I say hello.  She immediately begins to yell and carryon about what I am not sure.  She was saying all sorts of crazy things like I have an attitude and that I must make so much that I can’t talk to her.  Nuts.  All I said to her was HELLO!  Nothing more.  I asked her what in the world she was talking about.  She said she was referring to Sunday night when she wanted to talk at midnight.  I was working on my computer and told her that I wanted to talk to her but midnight was not the time.  I offered her Tuesday as I would be off work at the regular time and would get home semi early.  She refused.  She insisted that we talk and of course it was not talk.  It was accusing me of all sorts of things.  She said I did not love her, that I normally sit up til 2 or 3 am each night so this time was good for me.  Now that did not make any sense what so ever.  My day begins at 5.  I told her she was making stuff up that made no sense.  I could not possibly make it on 2 hours of sleep and get up at 5 am.  Where is she getting this stuff? 

Finally at 12:20 or so I told her that this was NOT talking and that I still had computer things to do and I had to get to bed as well.  She finally left.  So last night she says she wants to know why Tuesday and not Monday.  I told her…Tuesday I get off semi early and that I would have time to talk to her.  Off course this was not acceptable.  She insisted that me telling her that was me having attitude.  I told her no.  I was not the one with the attitude.  I simply told her HELLO and she was in instant attack mode and the one with the attitude.  She then left me alone and went to her room. 

I tried to do my work, but was stopped because my child was working on a book report till about 11.  She had put this off till the last minute.  So tonight again I will attempt to do some work on my computer.  I am sure it will not be well received as Mae said she got no satisfaction from our “talk” on Sunday night at midnight.  ????????  I do not get it.   All she did was yell and carry on in a low voice but it still was abusive and based not in anything close to reality.  All I have to do is walk in the door and it begins.  She must spend all her time just thinking of all the things she imagines that I am doing to her each day. 

When she is in this frame of mind, I wish you all could see her physical appearance. Her face is all screwed up, lips pursed out.  It is like a mask of extreme anger.  Why?  Because I walked in the door and said HELLO! 

Tonight awaits!

Social Control

I meet with a group of friends weekly and we have a good time. Talking. Crafts, other things. All completely innocent. Mae has become obsessed with all that I do and all the things I do with others. Even obsessed with the people I talk too. Somehow they are all talking about her or commenting about her or saying things about her. She reads suspicious meanings into all things that my friends may say in public places. Crazy. Paranoid. It is all about her all the time. This is very familiar. It was like this in high school. So much so that I had few friends. Mae ran them all away. They could not come over, they could not call and eventually , once she said ugly things to them in person or on the phone, they were not my friends anymore. It was another method of control…to keep me isolated. It was not until my junior year that I was strong enough to stand up to that and I decided I was not going to be isolated anymore. It resulted in lots of turmoil, but I had a few friends. They could never come over to our house. At times, Mae would threaten that, if when they came to pick me up to go out, if they stepped once foot on her grass, it was trespassing and she would call the police. I would simply go outside when they drove up.

Now she is doing the same thing. As I am trying to keep thos boundaries in place, the turmoil is still there. Whenever I come home from group, she is always there waiting for me to cause an argument. The typical thing I hear is, “How is your mother?” She is totally obssessed with the leader of my weekly group. She has decided and declares that I am not her child and she(Mae) is not my mother. She has decided that the leader of the weekly group is my “real” mother. So…every week after I get home, “how is your mother?” I mainly ingore her and keep on doing what I need to do to get ready for bed. She will of course pursist. To me it is not worth it to answer the question. That is just engaging in a needless and pointless conversation, argument. I don’t have time to answer.

What will answering do? What would denying or saying anything at all do? Whatever my answer would be would just begin the long one sided argument or rather the long, one sided, at least an hour or two long, rattling off of endless cursing, insults, name calling and belittling of me. I try not to say anything because I need to go to bed to get up to start my work day the next morning. If I say less or nothing, it will end sooner than midnight. I might be able to get 4 hours of sleep instead of 3 or less. Mae is trying to stop me from attending any groups that I am involved in. She has something bad to say just about everyone in them. Mind you, they have had very limited contact with her, yet they all have done something to her…it is all imagined. She has even demanded that I stop going to them all. Just because she does not like the group or the people in them. There is nothing rational or anything that is even based in reality for her to insist that. I can’t. I refuse to go along with those rules of hers.

It is tiring…to have a great time with friends and then to go home to a world war as soon as you walk in the door. I can’t let her take away what little joy and friends I have. She has her own groups and friends and things she attends. Noone bothers her about her participation. Why can’t she just focus on her friends and groups? I don’t understand why she is still trying to control me socially or why she is so obsessed with all I do and the people I associate with.

Because I will not stop attending my groups and particpiating in the things that I am involved in, Mae has said she will now take every public opportunity she can to do and say embarrassing things about me. This too is not new. This is yet another repeated pattern of behavior I experienced when I was younger. Since I will not stop attending due to her pressure, then she will try to publically humiliate me to stop going or to have others stop associating with me due to all the controversy. She has already begun.

In church we were attending the same sunday class because it was on a topic we both wanted to study. Me in that class with her was a nighmare. She had all sorts of ridiculous rules that I was supposed to follow. I did not agree, so it was always turmoil to and from church. They included things like I had to sit right next to her at all times. She did not want me talking to anyone in the class as in making normal conversation. I could not agree with any comments that anyone else made on any topics…I was to agree only with any comments she made. The list goes on. I of course did not obey any of these rules. I sat where I wanted to sit. I said hello to whoever I wanted to and if someone in the class made a statement or a comment I liked, I agreed with it. There was hell to pay.

Finally the class was over and I was able to go back to my original class. Mae decided to join that class also. Not because she wants to be in the class because she never even reads the class book or do anything to prepare. She has joined because I am in there and so are some of the friends from my weekly group. It is a way to continue the chaos. People may be talking innocently about the class topics or laughing about other things and somehow they are all talking about her and saying bad things in “code” about her and it is due to me. I have to account for everything that anyone in the class says that she thinks is about her. So every Sunday at home, I have to explain what all those people mean and have to account for how I put them all up to talking and saying things about her. In code. It is just stark raving crazy.

The irrational, paranoid thinking of Mae is driving me crazy. It makes me so very tired. Having to address all those imaginary things. Take last night for example. I went to a performance at the local art center to see a show that I just love. I went with a former co-worker. At 6:00 am this morning there Mae was. She had decided that I had NOT gone with a former co-worker. She had decided that I had gone with my “real mother.” The woman who is the leader of my weekly group. She must have stayed up all night just mulling over and getting all worked up over something that is totally imagined in her own head.