YES! I have come to realize that that is much of the problem with my mother and why she hates me. I say hate because she does hate me. She claims many times in a course of a day that I hate her. I have never ever said anything like that to her. In fact I have said the opposite and she then calls me a liar. She then says I hate her. She has been claiming that as far back as I can remember. Literally when I think back to first grade. I can remember her claiming that then and continuing to say that all the years of my life up to present day.
I began to take my child to a couselor because of all the stress we have had since we moved in with her a year ago. Yes…we moved in at her request when my father died. The counselor talks with me the first 15 minutes of the session in regards to status in the house as it relates to my child. In no uncertain terms….she immediate sumized that my mother was and is jealous of me. That is the root of the problem. That is why she has a problem with the people I know, talk to, things I do with the people I know, things I like, the clothes I wear. She has a problem with everything I do, wear, say, people I know, things I do, work, school, chuch, books I read, tv I watch….literally everything. She hates it all.
I was not convinced initially by what the couselor said, but over the last month I have considered it and looked at my mother that way and it is true. She is jealous of me. The only thing that comes out of her mouth as far as words is hatred. She claims everyone hates her but it is her feelings projected onto others. She puts up obstacles and roadblocks whenever we are in social settings at church or around the people I have a connection with. There is always a fight after and it is always about her and some imaginary slight she feels I have done to her or that others have done to her.
The only way to fight the green eyed monster is to get away from it. There is no way to control it as she has to be the one to recognize it and control it. She has no control. Tearing others down to build herself up is the only thing she knows. Our option? We have to move I do believe. It is the only way for me and my child to be happy again and at peace. And to feel at home in our own place. We have to go and very soon.
please seek help!!! i only found all your blog on here just because of a google question about a dog! but of course now i have read it all please seek help! your hatred for your mother is destroying you and the things you describe come across as your paranoia! i’m a mother and love my children ( they grown up now) i would be devastated if any child of mine ranted about me in the way you rant about your mum!!! please seek help!
This is for Jess. I was raised in hell, my mother hates me and she has told me as an adult. I was beaten for being smart, I was accused of wanting to sleep with my father because we were close, she ruined that. She ruined her family thru jealousy and harted and today I trust no one. You can’t tell someone who has been thru stuff that you know nothing about that she or he is wrong. Or to seek help. You may have had a great childhood, where others may not have. And to someone like me, you live in a world of rainbows and lollipops, childlike, to where you probably still cry over losing your parents to death. We live in reality, you don’t and it is mean to tell someone to seek help when you know nothing about them. You need to do some reality checking of your own.
Hi
I too have a jealos mother who tried to sabotage me for years and did till I recognized it…..I’m still trying to break away from her. She made sure my marriage (to an abuser) was even worse than it already was and that my divorce was horrible. She has cheated me out of money. Too many attacks and lies and betrayls to mention. She hates men, tortured my father, is passive agressive….now, on mood pills she’s a little better. Or maybe just spacey/dumb. But she is very hard to deal with. She thinks any woman who wears lipgloss is a whore. She passive agressive attacks me if I dress normally- not like a frumpy dumpy fat hag like she would like me to be. She is jealous of my relationship and also tries to alienate my son towards me. It has taken years to wake up to how abusive and sick she is. She hates me beause I have breasts and she had cancer and doesn’t. So if daughters rant at their mothers- it means the mother deserves it.
Jess…I have no hatred for my mother….it is the other way around. I am not ranting either. I am just telling all the things she currently does that are totally unwarranted. This is my place to keep a little sanity because she is a toxic personalilty and always has been. She has had mental breakdowns before. She is the jealous one, not me.
What I feel for my mother is sadness. I am sad that she is wasting good time that we could be doing things together and trying to build a relationship in whatever time she has left. She is 70. I feel sad that she is not thinking in reality and I simply do not see any way that she will change before she dies.
I have encouraged her to seek help because she needs it. She thinks she is fine but she is not. I have worked in mental health and I know she is having issues that are unresolved from her past. In addition to the sadness, I have lots of patience because she really knows not what she is doing. I just need to get away and that is in process.
It is very much like dealing with someone who has dementia. Her golden days are spent full of anger and rage and chaos. Downright meaness.
By the way, I have had therapy to break the cycle of abuse that I was raised in. It is broken and I have forgiven her of all the terrible things she did to me long ago. The conflicts we have now are because I am setting those boundaries and she is not used to that. She is still in that old cycle. I am not.
The more you rant about things the more whatever you rant about becomes who you are. Get away from your mother and as jess said get help, because if you don’t let your problems with your mother go (and literally go away from her) you will become your mother or worse.
I understand. these people don’t understand what it’s like to have a jealous mother. I have one. I do. It is a terrible feeling. Google Narcisistic mothers and read all you can about it. Your ma sounds narcisistic to me. If she is there is nothing you can do for her and so your instinct to save yourself is the correct one. I am in the middle of trying to save myself from my mother’s toxic influence on my life.
I feel cornered. it’s awful. All my love and strenght and courage to you. follow your instinct always, do not listen to people who speak the opposite of your gut. your gut is always right. It is taboo to say bad things about your mother, people don’t like it. But sometimes it is just the plain and simple truth. hard truth.
xxx
Jess- my mother is exactly the same as yours. She is 67 and I, like you, feel sad that good time is being wasted. We should be able to have a good relationship but we can not, because she is jealous, a narcissicst, and among other things, an admitted adult survivor of extreme parental abuse herself. Instead of getting help for herself though, she has inadvetantly perpetuated the cycle of abuse and even snowballed it by continuing to proclaim herself as victim and therefore not accountable for her own failings. You do need to seek help by protecting yourself, but you know that. The others who have commented here insinuating that you are the problem have hopefully never had to experience the upside down inside out loathing projected onto them by their own mother. I have and it is devastating. Peace be with you Jess – you are not to blame for your mother’s inability to mother you. May you continue to walk strong in the knowledge that you are a beautiful, loving, and worthwhile person who deserves just treatment.
I meant to refer to you as 1enigma – pardon my erronous reference to you as Jess
I totally understand where you are coming from even though some others on here may not. My mother is EXACTLY the same way. Anytime she gives a gift (that I did not ask for nor want), if I don’t accept it, I’m considered an ungrateful bitch. If I do accept it and say thank you, I am considered an ungrateful bitch. Her mood swings are unreasonable and unbareable. With her, there is no such thing as compromise.
My mother has stolen 10’s of thousands of dollars from me, spent it on shopping, gambling, and drinking, then has blamed it on me even though I’ve been sattled with her frivilous debt. She’s done it twice in my life and I cannot let her put me in that position again. She is never sorry nor wrong for her behavior towards me and never has been. I believe, never will be.
She constantly puts me down and then tells ME that I hate HER…even though she has been the only one to ever say those words. I’m always wrong and stupid…even though I am currently 32 years old, the mother of an 11 year old son, and in college (again) with a 3.5 GPA. She pushes people away then gets extremely sad, hurt, and depressed when they do not talk to her for more than 2 days. She is confused about her own feelings, has low self esteem, then blames it squarely on me that she feels this way about herself. She is never wrong about anything. At this point, even the sound of her voice is like being in hell to me.
I have escaped her madness before, been through years of councling, and even put my son in councling so that this behavior does not repeat itself. I now know that her issues are exactly that…HER issues. It is not my fault nor is your mother’s behavior your fault.
I know how hard it is to uproot yourself and your child away from her and how financially difficult it may be as well…especially these days. Believe me, I am going through the same thing right at this very moment. The only sad part about it is that you will never have the mother that you so desperately want, need, and deserve. The good part about it is, now you know. You also know what needs to be done. Leave that mean, sad, spiteful, jealous, bitch alone and move on with your life without her…as if she never exhisted. Accept the fact that your mother will never see herself for who she really is nor is she going to ever try. The only way she knows how to function is by beating you (and others) down and keeping you in that “spot” where she can manipulate you and twist you all around. You cannot win with her on her turf. Borderline Personality Disorder is WHO she IS and HOW she operates. It’s the only thing she knows and the only thing she WANTS to know. No matter how much you make sense when you speak to her, she will never make sense because in HER “Twilight Zone” mind of hers, not making sense IS making sense.
My advise, RUN!!!
& to the others on here who do not understand…unless you’ve grown up with this, you will NEVER understand what it means to be an adult child of a evil mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder. A mother who is never willing to accept that and do something about it…it’s hell on earth for those of us who have lived throught it for soooo many years.
I know what you say is true .I believe you and feel your pain. I wish you peace, stay strong!
Just happened upon this page and see the unfortunate typical responses i have encountered myself. Why is it that so many are unable or unwilling to accept the existence of others’ bad family situations? Not everyone is fit to be a parent, and parents need to earn respect rather than be entitled to it unconditionally.
My mother’s jealousy, bitterness and resentment are the source of so many continuing problems for my father, my siblings and me. Not one to verbalize it in quite the same way as yours, she had no problem unnecessarily thwarting her own children’s progress in life because she was unable/unwilling to achieve in her own. Recognizing this problem and taking control by removing yourself from that situation i think is the best possible way to handle it. Good luck!
The people above have no idea obviously what it is like to have a toxic parent that is like this. I totally understand and also understand that it is therapeutic to not only write about it but to find others who are experiencing the same things.
The only way to “get help” is to forgive her. That doesn’t mean forget the ways she treats you. It is the parents responsibility to love their children and to be there for them.
Im reading toxic parents by Dr. Susan Forward…..its a big help. Try it out. And for anyone else who has opinions about this I would say you better have a parent that actually IS toxic. You will never know how it feels to be shunned and hassled by your own family unless you have dealt with it.
1enigma
I know your mother is jealous of you. I have the same problem. My mother resented me initiallybecause I was sick as an infant and my father was in the military. The resentment continued when he got home and it was obvious he was taken with me (his flesh and blood daughter). I have 2 other siblings my mother can’t do enough for, and the few times I have required some easy help I have been treated like a problem. I have always been an overachiever with my mother always telling me I shouldn’t do this or that. I have 2 college degrees, well married, 2 great kids, a wonderful home and profession and guess what? She still insists I did this all wrong. The older she gets, the worse her resentment gets. Now I am told that I have thrown my college degrees in her face when it’s not true. It’s been at least a decade or more since we even had a discussion about my college degrees. I figure she’s in her 60’s now and she’s upset she’s not able to retire and she didn’t plan well. It’s unreal. Any of you here saying 1enigma is ranting and needs help, etc., you have absolutely no clue what it’s like to live with and be raised by a hateful resentful jealous parent. Read and think before you post.
The woman who has a mother who is jealous and hateful to her is very common. Many mothers are jealous of their daughters. People who think all mothers are all-loving are naive. It is wishful thinking to expect all mothers will behave in an idealistic motherly way. Just as it is naive in presuming all husbands will be kind and benevolent. Husbands, mothers and older siblings are the most common persons who will abuse. The number one cause of abuse is being weaker, dependent or being a rival. Mothers, husbands and older siblings are the persons on which someone might have to depend, be weaker than, or be seen as a rival. This is the breeding ground for abuse. In this case, from the mother. Especially since the girl is an adult and still dependent. But even mothers of infants can be abusive. Moses was left to float down the river by his own mother. Mothers kill their children once in awhile and husbands beat or kill wives everyday. Siblings taunt, lie about and beat each other up. Cain killed Able because of jealousy. Everyone should be sympathetic and supportive of this woman. mother-abuse and a jealous mother is extraordinarily painful. How would you like it if your mother was hateful, rather than loving? Be kind and sympathetic to the poor woman who is now essentially a person without a mother who loves her. Ouch! What the woman needs to do is be financially independent and avoid people who are not loving. If someone is hateful to you, don’t try to fix it for very long– you can’t—move on and only keep the company of those who value you. Since the woman is not financially strong and stable, more folks will be abusive to her. Unfortunately human beings tend to be abusive to those in need.
I can relate to what you wrote about your mother. I always had the same problem with both of my parents. My mother passed away in 2002, but dad still complains about EVERYTHING I do. My brother who would have nothing without being given a share in my parents business, and my sister who has never worked a day in her life (as never did my mother) are still perfect. Me on the other hand, after being on my own since 17 (knew I had to get away), putting myself through 2 colleges, owning 3 houses along the way, and never requiring ANYTHING from my parents, am still considered the outcast, and “cant seem to do anything right.” So I came to a conclusion ” F&*^ EM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think sometimes it is good to have a rant and express your feelings to others rather than keep going over old ground with your mother. I understand you completely my mother too is very jealous of me, she does and says spitefull thing to me all the time. Its an insecurity within them selves.
I totally get what you are going thru and definitely understand that you don’t need the help your mother does.
Just because a person inquire’s or makes a statement doesn’t mean they need help. Having a mother that hates you most of your life is something you can work through but never forget. I too have accepted and worked through the fact that my mother hates me but just because I may share w/ others my situation doesn’t always mean it’s a problem for me.
i dont know what to say… my life s been in a turmoil and the only reason i thought of was maybe cuz my mom hates me… she lived an okay life, not good but better than many but for some reason she hates me …maybe its cuz shes the eldest sibling and i m the youngest, her mum was my mom was a kid was probably hard on her, asking her to to care of the younger siblings when she should have been playing and laughing, she got her married early cuz she had the other siblings to marry off, her sisters got married to dream husbands and well my mum wasnt contented. Well now since im bold also, my mum hates me thinking im the youngest in my family, this is not the case… my elder siblings especially the eldest sis has been pampered all her life.Shes 26 and still doesnt know how to ctrl herself and takes all my parents time, money and attention. My life is ruined and my only hope is to find peace once i escape but i love my mum and i want to help her, break her free out of the vicious cycle she is trapped in but i think its impossible for me, cuz if i try and help her, i wont suceed and my life will be destroyed in the process, what shd i do?
Also, do i need help or will the ghosts of my past continue to haunt me and i shd seek help?
let me know , i m confused for a long time, what shd i do ?
Stop explaining yourself to others, you don’t need to explain anything, who you are, what you do, what you think, nothing. It gave me so much relief to find out it is not just me in this world where a mother hates their own daughter. There may be so much more of us out their than we know. Females are mean to each other to begin with, they are jealous creatures and for me if my mother hates me, she hates me. This is the place I’m at right now. I have not bothered with her in years, no phone calls, no cards, no nothing and she lives 10 mins away from me. You are probably trying to help her see when she does not care, so let her go and worry about you. You are trying to get her to love you but it will never work, believe me I’ve tried. You owe her nothing. She gave you life but she did not give you a good one, so go live your life and make it good.
Thank you Joan for that comment.
Hi, my mother is jealous me because of my relationship with my husband and daughter. Well, more and likely because of me I asked my mother many, many times over and over again if she was jealous of me she tells me no I’m not jealous of you because I love you but as I grew older my mother always had lied to and her family just a little bit of everything and now I’m thinking that I’m becoming her by lying and being jealous of everything now and I don’t want to be this way nomore it hurts know that I’m becoming her. But time after time I thinks that she’s always to me and to family. And now I’m a young adults with a baby girl and married. I’m changing my life around. My mother wears my clothes my jewelry and shoes everytime she gets a chance to. And I tell her not too. And that’s gettig on my nerivous anf I hate that she does.
hi…. how is your relationship between you and your husband? you are married now so he and your daughter are the one’s you need to worry about making happy…. chances are, your mother is jealous of you and the happiness you found with your family. listen, your situation reminds me exactly of me and my wifes mother…. our marriage is over cuz my wife couldnt detach herself from her mother and concentrate more on her husband…. dont let athis happen to you and your marriage….
Help!! It is a life or death situation!!!
It’s amusing how accidental pregnancies happen all the time, yet people still hold mothers up on a pedestal.
Some women shouldn’t become mothers, but we’re all built with the equipment and underlying biological drive to at least get the process started, if you know what I mean. These women were young, they wanted to have sex, meet society’s expectations, tick a box on the survival-of-the-fittest checklist.
Surprisingly, the biological urge to have sex is VERY different to strategising to produce a happy, healthy and successful adult.
I understand this women who has a jealous mother…it is painful…but you have to learn to run…keep your distance and feed from a long handel spoom